Poor little blog, all alone. I was thinking of abandoning it altogether, and pretty much have, actually… but then I started looking through some of the old posts, and my old old blogs, and I realized that it’s a valuable record of a lot of really hard, and also really good, times. I have kept journals of some sort all my life, in various formats, sometimes journalling more than others. Blogging has been a journal of a sort of many many years and I don’t particularly want to let it go. But clearly it has to change for me. My life has changed. My available time has changed. My focus has changed. These are good things, but change is always difficult and takes time to settle into ‘new normal.’
Part of the reason why I haven’t wanted to blog is because my new life is so much… well, frankly, it’s a really good life right now. I didn’t want certain people stumbling upon this blog and feeling worse than perhaps they already did. However, it’s time to stop censoring myself, and to let some of those last vestiges of fear go. The truth is that being emotionally abused is a bad thing, and it takes a long time to recover from that. People can be wonderful people with many amazing beautiful qualities and still inflict terrible damage on the loved ones around them, and often they don’t even realize they are doing it. Yet the damage is done. It’s been almost two years since the breakup and I can see things more clearly now. I’m so much healthier in so many ways. I’m so much happier. There are many things I’m sad and sorry about. However, I am so grateful that I get a second chance to have a real life. Life is so complicated. Was my life before ‘real’? It was, but it was also so skewed and so far from ‘normal’ in so many ways… my life now feels like my ‘real’ life. At the very least, it is the life I want to be living, not just the life I am gritting my teeth and getting through.
So I’ve been censoring, and that means I haven’t been writing as much. The truth is that my current (last, final, best) sweetie is someone I’ve known a very very long time and he means the absolute world to me. He is as much a part of me as my family is. I’ve known him for almost 20 years, and we’ve been through so much together and apart. I’m incredibly grateful to have him back in my life. It’s the best thing ever.
It’s also very distracting. I’ve been doing house things (like painting the bathroom!) and gardening, but because I’m also doing things like watching baseball and going out and having a good time in the world, I’m not sitting on my couch reading, or writing, or killing time. I have very little ‘time to kill.’ This is good, but also leaves little time for things like journalling or blogging. After the past year+ of getting back into the swing of things together, we are now crafting some time to take care of things like meditation, reading, writing, blogging. I hope to use some of this time to blog, maybe weekly. Weekly would be good. I’m also writing in my paper journal as well. Blogging has taught me that things ought to be recorded one way or another.
So what will this blog be now? Well, less focus on books, which is sad, but I’m just not reading like I used to (see above comments of no time). I still love it, and I’m still getting through some big chunksters, but it takes me longer. I’ll talk about what I’m reading and try to record it on my books page, but I probably won’t do big reviews unless the book really warrants it.
I will try to include photos when they are called for, but this won’t be a photography blog. I just don’t have time to process and sort everything, and it’s an impediment to me posting. So I’m not going to put that pressure on myself.
Instead, I will write about what I’m doing, what we’re doing, how I think/feel about those things, and general thoughts.
If you want to keep reading, I’d love to have you. If not, it will be just for me, and that’s just fine too.
I miss blogging, and I don’t want it to be work. I want to be able to write what I want to write and not worry about it. I think there just got to be too much pressure (self-imposed, of course) smacked right up against Not Enough Time. Remove the pressure and make the time = more posts.
If there’s anyone still reading, thank you. So many of you helped me through some really bad times. Now, let’s enjoy some good times!