These past couple of weeks (has it only been two? maybe it’s three now…) have been pretty rough. I feel like I’ve been dumped into an icy cold ocean, my senses numbed, my brain barely able to function. I’m going through the motions and getting stuff done, but I feel like my entire being is wrapped in cotton. Self-protection, I suppose.
I’m thankful for a lot of things as I go through this strange time.
I’m thankful for my health. I got very sick with a bad cold immediately after the breakup and have been struggling ever since. I now have the Cough of Death — it’s just lingering and wracking my chest and hurting my lungs. But I know I will get well again.
I’m grateful for my job. I’ve worked there for 10 years and people know me and some people even care about me. They’ve been very supportive and flexible. “Stay home. Get well. Take time for you. You’ll get through this. We’ll figure it out when you feel better.” This is a gift. This is an amazing gift.
I’m really thankful for my friends. New friends, old friends, new-old friends. Everyone has come forward to say, “We love you. We’re here. Talk if you want. Don’t if you don’t. Come visit. Come see me. I’ll come see you. I’ll take you to lunch. I’ll help you with the house.” It’s amazing what good friends I have. I’m so deeply thankful and love everyone so much. Emails from bloggers that I only know online, sending me virtual hugs. People checking in via email every few days. It makes me glad that I work hard on my friendships when I can. I have friends that I’ve known since before I turned one year old. My whole life. That’s pretty terrific. I’m pretty lucky.
My kitties are being comforting as well. Chelsea is with T., being her comfort. I miss her terribly but I’m glad she’s with her. There’s another dog there, and kids, and I’m sure she’s having a good time. I miss her very much. But the kitties, Thomas and Finn, are being sweet and loving and fluffy and adorable as well. Thomas curls up tight with me in the early morning hours. Finn stays up late with me, demanding more brushing, more petting, more attention. They are keeping me focused on the here and now.
There are so many things I am not looking forward to. I’m not looking forward to selling the house. I love this house. It’s a bad financial move to sell it but I think it’s the only thing that makes sense for me at this time. But I am grateful that I am in it, using the kitchen, warm and safe for now. I’ll move on, I’ll find something else, later I will have another house. For now, for right now, I’m here and I am glad. I am remembering being an exchange student, and knowing I was only in this home, in this situation, for a number of months before moving on to the next home. Even if I didn’t love the people I was with, I grew attached to the houses. I loved them, I noticed the details, I enjoyed them while I was there. I’m trying to do this with my current house, knowing I will find something else I will love, next. Soon it will be time to detach and move into cold practicality. For now, I continue to love the house.
I’m grateful that I have things to look forward to. Trips. Family visits. Reunions. Large-scale events at work. Things to keep me busy, people to see, decisions to be made. Good ones, as well as the hard ones.
This transition stuff is not easy. I’m not really enjoying it. I’m losing a lot and will lose more. However, I’m gaining a lot too. I’m trying to be grateful for the things that are good in the days, for the things that show me that I am loved, that it’s going to be okay, that life always changes and sometimes it’s for the worse and sometimes it’s for the better, but nothing ever stays, and that’s okay. More good things will come in to fill the places left empty by loss. I’m good at living simply and frugally. I have lots of friends who want me back in their lives. If I need to I can scrap everything and start fresh. I’d rather not… but I could.
Soon I will move from this stage of shock and sludgy-brain to action. I will make decisions. I will fix up the house in order to show it at its best. I will move forward fearlessly (well, with a little fear, but mostly trying to be brave). I will embrace change.
Right now, though, I am still wrapped in cotton.