Fifty Shades of Me

Brazenly stolen from Tammie (whose answers are hilarious, go check it out!) (also can I just say that I got the Fifty Shades book from the library, but it looked unbearably bad, so I didn’t read it. Someday there will be a gajillion copies of these in thrift stores and I will get one then and read it. Maybe. It looked pretty bad.)

1.  What’s your best friends Mom’s name? I kind of have two best friends, a US best friend and a Canadian best friend. The US BFF’s mom’s name is Cathy, and the Canadian BFF’s mom’s name is Marg. This answer is way more complicated than this question required.

2.  Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? Hmm. I have one on the side of my nose which people used to sometimes think was a nose ring, until I actually got a nose piercing, and now mostly they don’t see it. But I worry that when I get older it will turn into a giant Old Crone mole on my nose. In which case you can bet I will be having that sucker removed.

3.  Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? That’s a difficult one. I think we had a really cute biology student teacher in high school but I really can’t remember his name. I had a crush on my philosophy professor in college, which is why I have almost enough credits for a philosophy minor…

4.  Have you ever made out in a movie theatre? Yes. Not often, but a few times. It’s not my preferred setting but hey, sometimes it happens! I should clarify and say “happened” — I don’t think I’d be down with that anymore. I so rarely go to the movies that when I do go, I just want to watch the movie!

5.  What body part do you wash first? I have to think about it. The part that’s dirtiest? Sometimes that’s my face (makeup). Sometimes that’s my feet. Sometimes I wash my hair first and then let the conditioner sit while I do the rest.

6.  Do you hover over the toilet in a public restroom? It really depends on the toilet, I have to say. Sometimes, that is a necessity. But not habitually, no.

7.  What’s the strangest talent you have? Um, I can roll my tongue? That’s one of those genetic things. I’m also very good at locating lost items.

8.  Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie.

9.  What’s your favorite flavored Pringles? Pringles have flavors? I never eat these. I suppose I’d reach for a sour-cream-and-onion if they were offered, though.

10. Have you ever been tied up? Hmm. Well, there was that time when I was about nine, and we played pirate and I was supposed to walk the plank (all tied up in rope). Had to untie the last part of my legs so I could walk down the board. Is that what you meant?

11.  What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? Goodness. I have no idea but it was probably for getting home after my curfew (midnight).

12.  Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I’ve lived in the Bay Area for over 13 years. I parallel park like a champ.

13.  Have you ever had two dates in one night? I don’t think so, although I wouldn’t put it past myself; why not, if you managed the time well? However, that sounds kind of like a giant pain the rear. Probably not. Maybe one during the day and then another at night — that seems likely at some point or another.

14.  How many times have you been cussed out? What does that even mean? Someone angry and swearing at you? How about more than five and less than ten. I don’t keep track of that and it doesn’t sound familiar, but I’m sure it’s happened.

15.  Which shoe do you put on first? Not sure. Left?

16.  No 16. I’ll make something up: What’s your favorite drink? Lately, it’s very simple vodka tonics with a big piece of lemon. I can’t seem to drink wine anymore — instant headache. And I can only drink half a beer at a time before it turns gross. So I’ve switched to the occasional sparkly mixed drink.

17.  Have you ever been to a gay bar? Oh yes, and I love them. I celebrated my 21st birthday in a gay bar in LA. It was perfect.

18.  Girls. This is not a question. Just want to have fun. Well, okay then!

19.  Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? I tend to go for the quirky ones. If they’re too normal, I quickly lose interest. Sometimes this works out, and sometimes, well, yeah. Not so much.

20.  Did you french kiss before you were 16? Yes. In a movie theater, even!

21.  Have you ever been cow tipping or snipe hunting? I believe one time as a teenager we all went out in search of a cow to tip (my boyfriend at the time was a farm boy — he was a quirky farm boy, so I liked him). I’m not sure what we were going to do when we found one, but we got distracted by something else and went on a nighttime hike. What the heck is a snipe?

22.  Who is the last person you think about before falling asleep? The last couple nights it’s been Anthony Bourdain — I’m reading The Nasty Bits. So, yeah. Him. And things like tripe and hogs’ hooves. It’s not really all that pleasant, now that I think about it…

23. Have you ever had a poem/song written about you? I don’t think so. Well, actually, yes. A high school boyfriend wrote a poem for me. I think. He also wrote down many song lyrics for me, but they were all copied out of the tape (yes, cassette tape) cover, so that probably doesn’t count.

24.  If you had to choose to never wash your bed sheets or never wash your bath towel, which would you choose? Gross! I guess towel, because I come out of the shower all clean and I could just lay the towel in the sun to dry and get somewhat disinfected, yes? Then go get in nice clean bed. Also I could just opt not to use a towel. I could use a clean sheet, since I’d have some of those. So there.

25.  Have you ever found anything in your parents’ bedroom that was questionable? Oh, probably, but my mom is reading this and she probably doesn’t want me telling her secrets. (hi mom! just kidding! ha, ha!)

26.  What was your childhood nickname? Fairly unoriginal ones like Daph. In high school someone called me Daphers, which I hated. My best friend called (and continues to call) me Dorkney, which is so many all kinds of awesome, I can’t even tell you.

27.  When is the last time you played air guitar? Duh! At the Motley Crue concert last week! Hello?!

28.  Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? I don’t know about “peeking” but when I lived in Finland, co-ed locker rooms were fairly common, although sometimes I found out about this by surprise. One time, while getting dressed after going to the pool, I decided to see what the rest of the locker room had to offer. These were fairly nice locker rooms, with saunas and cold water dips and all that, so it could be worth my while to explore. Apparently there was a men’s side as well, although this was not clearly delineated. As I told D’Arcy a few minutes following, “I turned the corner and all of a sudden there were all these penises staring at me!” So yeah. That happened.

29.  What’s the weirdest thing you have ever done while driving? I drove around half-naked once on a dare. Never full-naked. I guess that’s probably the weirdest, although that doesn’t seem all that weird. Stupid, yes. Weird? Not really.

30.  Have you ever bitten your toenails? Blech. No. Well, I take that back. Maybe I tried it once or twice just to see if I could, but why? Why? Why? Why would someone do this?

31.  How do you eat your cookie? Bite by bite. This is a weird question.

32.  When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? First of all, I have sworn never to join a gym ever again in my whole life, unless someone that I love is going to go with me every time and save me from melting down and crying, which is what happens when I go alone. The last thing on my mind is a belt. Who wrote these questions?!

33.  Name something you do when you’re alone that you wouldn’t do when others are around? Eat popcorn like my father does.

34.  …. hello?…. no 34.

35.  see above.

36.  How many drinks does it take to get you drunk? Probably two or three. Three used to be my absolute limit. It kind of still is, but I rarely have more than one, so I actually really don’t know anymore.

37.  Have you ever sniffed an animals butt? I’m guessing likely so, at some point, to determine some unofficial diagnosis or another, but I’ve blocked it out.

38.  How often do you clean out your ears? At least daily. I’m a little obsessed.

39.  Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? WTF? Sigh. Um, either. Does it really matter?

40.  About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? Almost never. That’s what itty bitty tiny thong underwear are for. You never know it’s there. (really!)

41.  Do you have any strange phobias? I don’t like centipedes or millipedes (almost most other bugs are fine). Not too many real-life things scare me. Non-real things have the power to terrify me, though.

42.  Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? I don’t think so, although speaking of my mom, there’s allegedly this story about her trying to distract my brother and me, and she may or may have not stuck berries up her nose and then blown them out, to make us laugh. This is unconfirmed, however, and may only exist in my and my brother’s memory. (oh please, she totally did this!!)

43.  What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done at a bar? I slapped a guy once for insulting the United States (or something — of all things!). That was in Finland. That was pretty stupid. Otherwise I’m pretty well-behaved.

44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted. Driving around half-naked? Actually nothing happened so I don’t really regret it. I usually avoid dares.

45.  Have you ever called your love interest by someone else’s (an ex’s?) name?  No, but apparently an ex of mine called his wife MY name when he was really angry at her!  I wonder what that says….

46.  Have you caught a date farting? A date? Probably not. Once we’ve moved past the dating stage, then definitely yes.

47.  Have you ever played naked Twister? Boy that sounds horrible. No.

48.  Have you ever been drunk at work? No, never. I have a very strict policy about drinking and work. Me + a drink + coworkers = all those gossipy things you just shouldn’t say, tend to slip out unexpectedly. So no work-related drinking for me.

49.  Have you ever found your lover’s brother/sister more attractive? Nope.

50.  Do you want to bring sexy back? Please, yes! Come to my house!


8 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Me

  1. “A snipe hunt, a form of wild-goose chase that is also known as a fool’s errand, is a type of practical joke that involves experienced people making fun of credulous newcomers by giving them an impossible or imaginary task. The origin of the term is a practical joke where inexperienced campers are told about a bird or animal called the snipe as well as a usually preposterous method of catching it, such as running around the woods carrying a bag or making strange noises such as banging rocks together. Real snipe (a family of shorebirds) are difficult to catch for experienced hunters, so much so that the word “sniper” is derived from it to refer to anyone skilled enough to shoot one.”

    This sounds like not something i would ever do.

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