substantially better

Still coughing, still not able to sleep flat (have to be all propped up on pillows or I cough my lungs out), but today I actually felt fairly decent. At least, I *think* I did… it’s hard to remember. I felt better than I have in a long time (a month at least, and probably longer… I’ve been very, very tired for so long.) A month of doing pretty much nothing will do that for you, I guess. I expect by next week to feel like a new person.

Had a very nice lunch with a friend today, after which I realized that I was feeling good. What’s this feeling: good?

Got back to work and realized that I actually felt awake. What? What’s that?

And then, for a brief shining moment: happy. I felt okay. Almost well, almost healthy. Awake. Content with the day. Happy to see my friend. Feeling ready to dig back into the huge pile of work waiting for me. A little bit of energy.

All the bad/sad/scary stuff aside, it was a nice moment. I am looking forward to more of them; I know they are on their way.

I’m actively working on it, too. I went to Radio Shack after work and gave myself an early Christmas gift: I bought an inexpensive iPod speaker thingie. We never set up music in this house, for many reasons. But I’m home now, listening to music flow into the room. Thomas winds his way around my legs, threading his way around my ankles. I am not quite ready to venture back into major cooking but I had a very good simple dinner. I might have a cookie in a few minutes. I’m going to watch something fun on Netflix tonight, in bed with the electric blanket and Finn. I’m going to see Breaking Dawn this weekend with a good friend. I have, let’s see… six social engagements in the next two weeks, including two parties and a dinner with my second cousins.

It’s good. I’m awakening after a month of being wrapped in cotton. And from a long time of being unable to truly care for myself. I’m remembering what I do with myself when I have nothing else to do. What do I really like to do? How do I want to spend an evening alone? I’ve cancelled cable and am looking forward to time to read, or finally getting my Netflix queue down to a decent size. I’ve taken a ton of hot baths.

I’m really not worrying about anything except what to do for the next hour, for the next 10 minutes sometimes. It’s not a bad way to live occasionally.

So I’m back on my way to the living. Things are going to be okay. I might even finish this book I’ve been working on for over a month. Oy.