five months

It’s been five months since everything turned topsy-turvy in my life.

I spent the first two of that sick as a dog and absolutely exhausted to the depths of my soul. The next month was spent getting myself well and building my strength back up. So the last two months have been relatively “normal” — doing some reading, doing some house stuff, having visitors, having some fun out in the world, travelling.

Soon the house will be half-empty. T’s family is coming to get her things in a couple weeks. I volunteered to pack. Most of her things are gone already but there is still some furniture, books, etc. One room of the house will be completely empty. I kind of don’t know what to do with it. Guest room/office, I suppose. I could get a roommate. I don’t know.

All the legal paperwork is almost done too. There are still some pet issues to be worked out; she has Chelsea and poor Chelsea is sick with liver disease. I have Finn, who will be going to live with her sometime. But that will be worked out. As time goes on, I think we are both feeling less brittle about the other. Not much communication is happening (which is good) but hopefully these details about the little dependent creatures we love can get worked out easily and with everyone’s best interest in mind. I’m not worried about that.

I’m feeling better, although my recent travels show me that I still need to rest and take care of myself. Someone at work commented that I probably could have used a beach vacation more than a tromping-around European vacation. I tend to agree. It was fun and I’m glad I went, but I’m really glad to be home. I took a hot bath last night and it was heaven. My couch is my favorite place in the whole world. Well, next to my bed, that is.

I’m getting out more, seeing people. This is good. I do wish I didn’t live quite so far out there — it’s difficult to get people to come to my house, and I’m still tired enough that I mostly just want to be home. But that can’t be helped. I am volunteering for the local performing arts theater, but that’s not very often (maybe once every month or every other month) so I think I need to find something a little more consistent, to make some friends out where I live. I should go to more community events, see what’s out there. Volunteer at the library. Something.

It’s going to be gardening season very soon — in fact, I might plant tomatoes this weekend. The local OSH is having a 25% off vegetable starts sale and it’s been so warm that I think I can put some things in the ground. I should get compost after work today and work it in tonight. It’s going to rain tomorrow and that would be good to get everything all ready for planting. My yard is a MESS so I’ll definitely be working out there this spring. The grass hasn’t been mown in three weeks and is almost up to my knees! I actually sort of like it that way, but I guess I should mow it this weekend…

So things are reshaping themselves into a new normal. I’m resting a lot more than I used to — I never used to be able to rest this much. I had too much to do, too many beings to take care of, too many worries. I’m having more fun and getting out and doing more things. However, I’m happiest at home, just puttering and fiddling with things. Making it into a new home for myself. I can’t wait for warm weather. I fixed my hammock and I plan to spend a lot of time in it. I never could before, because there was always something to be done, someone who needed me, some chores to be done. But when it’s just me… well, I can pick and choose what to worry about. That’s nice.

I imagine in another month or two I’ll be back to my pre-catastrophe self. That is, the self from about five years ago. I’m looking forward to feeling springy and happy and ready to welcome new joys into my life. I’m *almost* there. Right now it’s enough to just not be worried all the time. It’s enough to come home and be able to go to bed at 8 pm if I want to. To do whatever I want on the weekends, to please only myself. When the weather turns truly sunny and warm, I will want to hike more, garden more, bike more. I’m looking forward to that. The people who are in my life now are wonderful, so supportive and my true friends. I’m looking forward to welcoming new people into my life too.

Five months is a short time. Five months is a long time. I’m right where I need to be.