closer to fine

Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear

I’ve never been a huge Indigo Girls fan but I do like this song, and lately this refrain has been in my head. I keep trying to remind myself that this too will pass, and that it’s okay to feel like I need to hibernate for awhile; that sometime soon, I’ll feel better, things will be clearer, and that it’s okay not to know for awhile.

I did get a little bit of clarity, or at least the muddy swirls are starting to clear, yesterday. If certain things work out, there’s a chance I could keep the house and avoid a short sale. I still want to move, so I’d just hold onto it until I could do a normal sale, but it would be good to avoid a short-sale if possible. It’s not a perfect answer, but it feels better to me than any of my other options. So I’m hopeful. There’s no way any of this is going to feel totally fine, but closer to fine would be better than, well, not. Bits and pieces of how everything is going to settle out are starting to become clearer and that feels better, even if the solutions are not perfect for anyone. They rarely are, right?

I’m feeling better physically today as well. I am still coughing, and today I’m sneezing like the devil for some reason, but I feel less foggy and exhausted. I managed to avoid taking NyQuil last night so that’s probably helpful. I still want to just go home and go directly to bed, but rather than going straight to sleep I feel like I could maybe read a little, or do a little journalling. Small steps. This weekend maybe I’ll even rake leaves or something. Or vacuum. But let’s not push things.

This morning as I drove to work, the freeway was covered in thick fog. It was slow going, but I love fog, so I was enjoying it. At one point, I drove through a patch of strangely luminous fog, lit up from within by the sun rising. It was eerily beautiful. The fog was bright pink-orange, and it felt like I was driving through a movie set, where the colors are artificially gorgeous, and everyone is lit up with romantic pink light. And then, as I passed through the fiery mist back into the regular fog, it felt like the light filter switched to a deep moody blue, and it was so calming. I was grateful for this show of beauty, since I have felt so deeply removed from normal life for a few weeks now. This helped bring me a little more into the present, and I’ve felt better all day after witnessing it.

So maybe things are going to be okay at some point. Maybe.

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